Well, iGovern season is rolling around, and I know exactly what a bunch of you are thinking. What, exactly, besides sitting around being bored, am I going to do with my summer?
You could sit at home and play video games. Or you could spend all your time in the bathroom taking selfies and posting them on Facebook. You could also sit around on Facebook watching cool thing after cool thing scroll by in your newsfeed while you’re sitting at home wishing you were there.
But of course you wouldn’t want to do that. That would be lame. Totes lame. Hashtag #TotesLame with a picture of you next to it.
So set down the video controller, get off Facebook, and step away from the bathroom mirror, because we’re about to hit you with the first of a three part series extolling the awesomeness of the iGovern nearest to you.
The Things You Can Be at iGovern '14
1). The President of the United States. There can be only one. To win, you must be full of courage, fortitude, virtue, statesmanship, and a lack of bathroom selfies for your opposition to use as blackmail. You’ve got to have the moves, the soaring rhetoric, the impeccable voting record (and hair) that makes your constituents swoon. But if you’re awesome enough, you too could rise to lead the most powerful nation in the world.
2). The Chair of the Gold or Blue Party. Perhaps you view yourself as more of a kingmaker, working behind the scenes to put the politicians in power. In that case, party chairmanship is the job for you. You may not be the presidential candidate out in front giving a speech, but you know exactly who put him there – you.
3). The House Majority Leader. Well, the president may have all the moves and all the charisma, but you know where the lawmaking power truly resides – the people’s body. And, of course, you should be the person running the whole thing.
4). The Ever-Diplomatic Secretary of State. The president may be the head of state, but when it comes to first impressions, you're the person diplomats talk to. Wine* and dine with the most influential people on earth, schmoozing your allies, delivering ultimatums to your enemies, and generally ensuring global stability (presuming, of course, that the Department of Defensedoesn't get an itchy-trigger finger).
5). Boris the Russian Ambassador. Or step into character as Boris, the mad Russian ambassador with a bizarre love for Spanish music, an abiding resentment for the United States, and just enough mad genius to wreak all sorts of havoc with the current administration.
6). The Itchy-Trigger-Fingered Secretary of Defense. With great power comes great responsibility…and command of SEAL Teams, carrier battlegroups, and the United States Marines. Guaranteed to give the Secretary of State a headache.
7). A Pompous, Aristocratic Senator. When it comes to waxing eloquent on the floor of the senate, nobody does it better than you. You likely come from the southern regions of the country, where you campaigned in a full seersucker suit. Your father was a senator before you, and his father a senator before him, as evidenced by the regal III appended to the end of your name. You have an enormous war chest, a sizable political machine, and no time for the populist rabble in the House of Representatives.
8). The Sponsor of the No Llama Left Behind Act. You may have arrived at camp with no political aspirations, but you possess, for whatever reason, a deep, abiding love for llamas. Introduce your bill, gather sponsors, and run it through, ensuring that no llama gets left behind in this increasingly alpaca-focused society.
9). A Wealthy Non-Partisan PAC Leader. Last, but not least, everyone needs an eccentric, single-issue donor with millions of dollars.
iGovern, where anything** is possible.
*By which we mean, of course, sugary, non-alcoholic beverages.
**Subject to availability. Some terms and conditions apply. See camp staff for details.
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